Can i not drive my cunt home
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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