That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The uberlube is also flammable
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
