someone owes me an orgasm
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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