I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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