i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
