Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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