The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
