life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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