I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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