Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.