it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
what food is Colorado known for?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza