why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
