he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
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while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
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I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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