We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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