I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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