My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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