I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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