I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.