i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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