1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
