Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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