Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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