3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I wish I only lived at night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
