I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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