My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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