She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
