I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
