Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
