he puts the penis in happiness.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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