Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize