JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
