i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
