I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
