the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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