just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
