Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
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Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
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He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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