I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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