After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
