why didn't you poke me back
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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