hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
