if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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