apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
