my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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