saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
