The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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