He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
