my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
