I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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