i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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