New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
