Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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