After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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