I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
