do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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