he thought i was a dude.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
