So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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