Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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