Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
